This is based on my own experiences completely. I have met and played with many submissives who come to me with a lot of “real life experience” (which is good) — all from professionals (which can be bad, if they develop some unrealistic expectations).
The point of this article is not to condemn pro dommes or the submissives that visit them. I think professionals provide an excellent service and an outlet that is much needed (you have to remember, this is a femdom with a fetish for paying men to submit to ME – I like the idea of pay for play). I also think it’s a fantastic way for a submissive to test the waters, try new things, or have a good outlet for his play energy if he is not in a relationship.
However, I think unrealistic expectations are developed and enforced, and a submissive might come to a non-pro domme with behaviors that interfere with her own play style. The non-professional dominant is faced with “untraining” the submissive, or else they may never “click” when they are playing.
Here are a few of the habits I find myself wishing submissives had not developed from their visits to professionals:
1. Impatience
Submissives that are used to paying for play have a great advantage. They have an advantage I wish I had. That is, they can wake up one day and decide, “I want to be dominated today.” There are days I wake up and decide “I want to dominate someone today,” but I do not have the luxury to browse listings, hand pick my partner and make an appointment. Granted, you never know what you may get, but the instant gratification is a nice touch.
Instant gratification isn’t the real world, however. When you are dealing with another human being who is not being paid for her services, you have to understand that her desire (and energy level) does not always jive with your submissive needs. More importantly, often pushing or prodding or demanding makes things worse. Trust me on this.
In the real world, you get less choice about when it is going to happen.
2. Agendas
Many submissives complain that they don’t get much out of pro sessions because what they really want to experience is a woman using him for her pleasure, not his. So during a pre-interview, or during a session, a pro might ask what the submissive is into, and then he ends up listing out things and she does them. He feels unfulfilled to some degree because he just told her what he wanted and she did it.
In reality, subs, if you told a pro domme she should do whatever she wanted and you only wanted to please her, don’t be surprised if she asks you to hand over your money and go home. This is not a slight against you or any submissive; the reality is that a total stranger does not have the same connection that two people in a relationship have (whether it be a budding flirtation/lust attraction or a fullblown marriage). This is a woman who has defined and developed her skills, and she is a business woman, and her goal is to provide a fantasy for you in exchange for money.
I don’t deny that many femdoms get off on what they do. They get off on the energy and the control aspects of it, but when you are sitting with a complete stranger and know nothing about their limits, fears, or turnons, you have to get right to the point because you can’t spend hours, days, weeks getting to know their buttons at your own pace. Non-pro femdoms can do that — there is no clock ticking.
So whether you like it or not, you end up having to toss over some sort of laundry list. Which is ok. Many pros take this list and mold it in their own way, leaving some degree of unknown to things, making the sub feel a little more fulfilled perhaps.
But in reality, a submissive will get exactly what he pays for in a session – if she is aiming to get repeat business and develop a positive relationship. After a series of sessions you may see the tables turning a little, but keep in mind, she risks losing a customer (and food on the table) if she accidentally pulls the reigns in so far that you lose all interest. If her “kink” is watching you do needlepoint, she doesn’t need to be a rocket scientist to know that a few sessions of paying $300 an hour doing needlepoint while she watches you is a sure-fire way to lose your interest. She must always keep in mind that you need to walk out of that place invigorated and entranced.
Now, non-pro domination is not entirely different. If my kink was watching a guy do needlepoint, I also would need to consider a way to keep his interest if I was going to get to play again with him. While the pro femdom has an interest in financial gain (after all, this is her job), the non-pro femdom has an interest in getting HER play “fix”, and in maintaining a relationship with someone where mutual lust, adoration, affection or even love is present. The risks are much higher, in many cases, so you still see non-pro femdoms bending their wills to please their mate. But still, mark my words, the non-pro femdom will almost always take more control of the situation and do it their way.
So when a submissive comes our way, used to presenting his fetishes and having them satisfied, we end up facing a ton of expectations.
Many submissives who have seen pros for a long time end up disappointed after a real-life session the first time around. Especially if they have developed a long-term relationship with a pro who knows him inside and out. Because he is used to walking out of that room having his fantasy played out to a T- complete with the best toys, best costumes, and a woman who he just thinks is the cat’s meow.
Early sessions with non-pro femdoms tend to be bumpier, full of more ups and downs, and emotionally riskier. You deal with insecurities and issues that are not present in a professional setting. You deal with issues of possible rejection (both people worrying they won’t perform adequately), possible judgment (“I know this person is kinky, but what if what I am into is TOO kinky?”) and more.
However, the payback in a non-pro session are so far beyond what you get in a pro session, once the “kinks” (no pun intended) are worked out. Because you are dealing with an emotional bond that comes out of a much deeper connection than a financial exchange.
And when trust is established and the minutia is worked out, you get a true sense that the femdom is doing it for her – on her terms – and while it may scare the hell out of you, it’s what you have always dreamed of.
3. Really stereotypical protocol
The professional femdoms take much of what has been established in femdom “lit” and adopted it into their scenes. They do this because this is usually what their clients based their desire on – Most of the clients have read all the bad porn, seen the bad movies and drooled over the women in fetish gear. Even if this isn’t “you”, you have to realize that there are thousands of other subs out there seeing pros, and a huge chunk of them really don’t know what a femdom is like in real life.
But in reality, understands, that femdoms do not, for the most part, behave that way, or want their men to behave that way. I am making a pretty bold statement here, but I believe it to be true. I can list several “protocol” items that are tried and true in femdom fantasy world, and when I talk to my femdom friends we almost always give them a thumbs down. If anything, we do expect the right to pick and choose what protocol makes US tick, not have a submissive come to us already behaving in ways that we don’t really find interesting (submissives, you call this “being trained already” – we call this “being trained by someone else”. Trust me – we want to set our own rules, and most often end up telling you to unlearn all of those rituals. After all, what bond is there between us when you are following rituals a professional set up for you?).
Here are some examples:
1. The whole “yes Mistress, no Mistress” thing.
Please, enough already. We have heard that a million times. In my most recent poll of non-pro femdom friends, more than 85% of us don’t even like that term, and when we do, it’s both a) very infrequently and b) when we tell you to start using it. And even less of us like it when you tack it onto EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE. Please, do your non-pro femdom a favor and let her tell you how she wants to be addressed. When that pro told you in a session last year “You must always address me as Mistress and you must address ALL SUPERIOR WOMEN as Mistress” she was not giving you a command to stick to for life; she was giving you a command that she knew would turn you on, because so much of the femdom lit that subs cut their teeth on is full of these rituals.
2. Eyes down, kneeling automatically, special poses
Again, these are little rituals that have been pounded into submissive brains from the fantasy fodder they read, but in the real world they carry no weight to a non-pro femdom unless she is the one to set the rules. Think about it – what special connection is there behind a man following rules given to him by another woman?
3. Chastity rules and asking “leading” questions
Many subs automatically think that all submissive rules (or the ones they embraces) apply across the board. Things like chastity – telling a femdom you are just getting to know that you are not cumming without her permission. Well, while a nice gesture, she doesn’t get much empowerment by being given an “FYI” and having you carry on with a behavior you picked.
A bad habit I have seen “in play” is the tendency to ask leading questions. I think there is a sense of impatience (probably because these subs are used to knowing a clock is ticking somewhere in the room and they really want to get certain needs met, deep down) and feeling like he must ‘hint’ to the femdom what he wants. Typical leading questions are an expectant, “What do you want me to do next?” (which in reality is prodding the dominant to act or move forward, when she may be quite content where she is. It hints that the submissive is ready to move on and is pushing the femdom forward, when she might be quite pleased where she is) or “Do you want me put on the nipple clamps?” I think that the level to which femdoms might accept or encourage this kind of behavior varies; I don’t doubt that there are some femdoms that find this kind of initiative to be convenient or admirable. But I think a good rule of thumb is to let the femdom direct the speed and tempo of the scene until she indicates otherwise, because when you start asking leading questions it comes across as pushy and dissatisfied, and can be horribly distracting to a dominant mindframe.
In reality, what all of these rituals and protocols do is create a vicious circle of unrealistic expectations and fantasies for submissive men. I contend that a great deal of the literature written about female domination was written by men, and thus weighted toward their fantasies. Which is fine. But when submissive men look for “real life” femdoms, they have to realize that these women are not cardboard cutouts of the women they fantasize about. Our styles of domination, first of all, have a pretty different flavor than what many subs expect.
Meanwhile, the “pro femdom” scene flourishes, but at the same time reinforces a lot of these unrealistic fantasies. After all, you are paying for it, you should get what you really want. But a non-pro isn’t going to conform so eagerly to what you consider hot fantasy; she is going to be – after all – into it for herself as much (if not more, in many cases) as she is doing it for you. So you can’t expect it to play out like it does in the femdom lit written by men. No matter how many times your sessions with a pro come close to the mark and make you go “wow” — when you walk out of there, consider not that “she was the most exceptional femdom I have ever met”, consider the financial transaction that happened and what your real interpretation should be: “Wow, she was the most effective sales person I have ever met.” She was selling you a service – and the better job she does at it, the more effective a businesswoman she is – and the more her business will prosper.
And god bless ’em – those pros provide an awesome service for submissive men, but they better they are at their jobs, it would appear, the more submissives end up having expectations about female domination that are more fantasy-driven than reality-based.
In the real world, your fantasy doesn’t always come out exactly the way you want it. It comes out the way she wants it to – flavored with the pleasure and arousal she chooses to give to you. Hell, sometimes it comes out just plain bad, or wrong, for one or both people. At least, until they grow into it together and find their pace. But, it is more intense because the relationship is based on more powerful emotions and not just financial interest.
If you have been seeing pros and find that the experiences is unsatisfying, I would venture to guess that you just aren’t cut out for the pro scene and what is missing for you is the reality and knowing that your suffering, helplessness or humiliation is really to please someone else, and not just on a professional level.
If you have been seeing pros and think it’s the most amazing thing in the world but are also looking to meet a non-professional femdom, please keep the above things in mind before you start playing with her. Most importantly, control your expectations and understand that you may not get everything you want, and understand that it is a building process that takes time. And while a professional may effectively wrap you and your fantasy up in two hours and leave your head spinning for a week, consider the countless hours and emotional bonding that go into a non-pro relationship, and how that will one day translate to a more intense and gratifying emotional experience for both of you.
