I start craving a certain type of domination, or I crave someone specific - a partner of mine I had once before, or maybe someone brand new. Maybe it's a long distance slave from several months back. Maybe it's my sweet standby who is always there for me. Maybe it's the new boy I have been flirting with. Maybe it's someone from the net I have not even met yet. My goals set on a victim, and then I start plotting the kill.
It’s been about a week or so since my “Men as Prey” post, and I am still feeling wonderfully hungry.
I say “wonderfully” because it amazes me how many sympathy e-mails I get from subs after a good hunger post. Sympathy!? I don’t want sympathy, I *love* this feeling.
The advice/comforting I get ranges from “How come you can’t find anyone to play with you and feed your desires? I would!” to “I know it’s miserable, but somehow we will make it through.”
This made me realize I treat my desires/BDSM cravings differently than many/most (all?) others. In fact, I would love to hear if subs or dommes share my view that I’m about to illustrate.
When I wake up and I realize that desire is coming back, I start shivering with excitement. It’s like an alarm clock – it’s a very steady cycle, and it always comes back. Usually, after I play in real life, it goes away for a week or so, then at the 10 days to 14-day mark, it starts to grow and consume me. Eventually, into the three-week area, I start really craving it, getting into serious huntress mode. This all varies of course, but I am being general.
The point is, when I wake up with that first hint of hunger, I don’t call up someone and satisfy it that day. Even when I am practically living with my primary partner at the time, I don’t roll over in bed and take him. I let it simmer for awhile.
I purposely wait. I wait because it just gets more intense with time. I wait because, during this time of anticipation, the most subtle little things set me off and get me hot.
I wait because I write better when I am hungry. I can sit and write for hours about how beautiful a man looks helpless, about how I long to see him suffer in my arms, and how I want to stalk, kidnap, seduce and torture some unwilling prey.
I wait because the longer I wait, the sweeter the kill is at the end. The heavier the rush, and the longer and harder I want to play. The longer I wait, the better it is, pure and simple.
The only time in my life when “the hunger” is a bad thing is when I am in a relationship that doesn’t allow me the outlet to play (never again will I let that happen, I swore to myself) or when I am out of town and away from accessible partners. As long as I am free and in my own city, relief is a phone call away.
At the time I wrote “Men as prey”, I could have called up a partner and had him there with me that night. But I chose not to. I chose not to because when I decide to indulge, it’s going to be even hotter. I chose not to because it has inspired me to write some wonderful pieces in the last week, to work some more on stories that require a certain sadistic mind frame, and because it’s made dancing at my club a hundred times more exciting (my club meaning the place where I go dancing with friends once a week).
The anticipation is half the fun. Does anyone else feel this way? Or it might be that I am spoiled and that when I want to play, I know it is there in one form or another, and I can just hold it off and make it all the more exciting until I am ready for it, just dripping at the mere thought of it.
I *love* the feeling of being overcome with lust and desire. I want to be driven to the point that when he kneels, my heart pounds so hard it feels like it’s going to come right out of my chest. When I am that eager for it, I get soaked just *touching* my toys. Of course, I would wait for this level of passion, who wouldn’t!?
Also, when I am in this mind frame, I can flirt in an aggressive, dominant way and it gives me a total rush. It’s that stalking/hunting desire in me. Last week at the club I flirted quite forwardly with an intimidated victim, and I got the most intense rush (and soaked panties) from merely holding his wrists behind his back and feeling his resistance, so subtle. I love this frame of mind, this desire for subtle control games, this need to see men, even strangers, submit to me in the smallest way.
It’s like the difference between quick sex when the desire hits, vs. an entire day or weekend of drawn-out foreplay. The foreplay is so much hotter when it is building slowly to an ultimate goal. The foreplay itself is what is so intense, and the orgasm at the end is even sweeter when it has been led up to so slowly.
I tend to start out with a sort of vague desire to dominate. That’s the first sign. At that point, I could head it off at the pass, quench the desire. As time goes on, my senses come alive and I become a huntress (and I love it). Additionally, my desires start to fine tune. I start craving types of submission. Is this common with others?
I start craving a certain type of domination, or I crave someone specific – a partner of mine I had once before, or maybe someone brand new. Maybe it’s a long distance slave from several months back. Maybe it’s my sweet standby who is always there for me. Maybe it’s the new boy I have been flirting with. Maybe it’s someone from the net I have not even met yet. My goals set on a victim, and then I start plotting the kill.
“Plotting the kill” is a bit brutal, I suppose. But when I get my mind set on who I want to dominate (whether he knows it or not), I start planning. This is where the heavy fantasy comes in. I run through in my head what I want to do to him and how. This is the stage where I buy new toys if I get ideas for them, or I go pick out a collar if he is going to be a new slave. I may drop hints to him or tell him flat out that it is coming up. I might set a date for it. But again, I don’t rush into it. I pace it, and I enjoy the build-up to it.
All of this buildup happens over a period of a few days or a few weeks. The only difference is that during this hunger time, I *do* need subtle little fixes to hold me over. I need to flirt in a dom way (i.e. pulling hair, forceful kisses, aggressive flirtation, making a man kneel for me in public), I need to express the hunger and desires and fantasies (writing) and I need other forms of “the fix” (phone sessions with my LD subs, trolling on the net for cyber/phone victims, calling pay services for $4 a minute to watch gay surfer boys do as I say *heh*).
All of this culminates in the grand session. The night, the day, the weekend, where it all comes together and I feast. All my fantasies turn into reality, and I finally have him there in my clutches. Sure, I could have had him or someone else weeks ago when the hunger started to come on, but it is so much more intense after the waiting period, the build-up, the flirtation.
Depending on my patience and level of stress in my life, this “build up” period might be 5 days, it might be 2 weeks. It all just depends. Sometimes, without explanation, the hunger cycle goes quickly and I just need to do it. I need that fix. The times it gets infuriating is when without warning it hits hard and I have to sort of scramble to figure out what it is I want most of all, and who I want to have to give it to me.
Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be a long, drawn out post. I just am curious if other doms or subs enjoy the build up and anticipation to the fix. Someone recently (I forget the name, sorry, and I had intended to follow up to it but it got lost in my newsreader) commented on my “Men as prey” rambling that perhaps I am very into the ritual of BDSM. I think I might be confusing my messages here – I apologize to who brought this up.
But this is very true. Bondage, female domination, the stalking of prey, this is all a passionate, thrilling little ritual for me. My toys are also part of the ritual, as are my PVC skirts and bras and gloves and boots. My stalking gear. I love this part of it, almost as much as I love the thrill of seeing my victim helpless, the pleading and fear in his eyes.
To those that write and comfort me when I start posting about how bad I need a fix, please, understand that I live for this passion. It may come off as a sort of misery, but it is a wonderful build up. It’s that buildup that motivates me to write such passionate stories.
And it isn’t that I don’t have a partner, it’s that I like to wait and see what I am hungry for. I have many partners, and often what I want is that new unsuspecting prey. I put off the kill as long as I can because the little games that lead up to it get me hotter than anything.
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