I get a totally different rush from casual play than I do from intimate, sexual play with a partner I am seriously involved with. As I get older, I don't think I can just eliminate the desire to play casual bdsm games with others. It's just the way I am wired, I love the thrill of the chase, the seduction, flirtation.
I have a few thoughts on polytype relationships and was interested to hear about experiences with others.
So much of it, of course, depends on the orientation and experiences of people involved, but I’m wondering if what I ultimately seek is as rare.
I consider myself sexually monogamous, first and foremost. However, on the other end of the scale, I consider myself about as poly, when it comes to BDSM, as they can get.
It gets confusing if you consider BDSM to equal sex, whether or not penetration or sexual intimacy occurs.
Depending on the comfort level of my primary partner, I can be quite happy with extremely casual flirtations of the SM variety with outside partners. Some light bondage or pain play, subtle humiliation games, and physical intimacy limited nonsexual contact. Kissing would be nice, but I could give it up if my primary partner would be uncomfortable with it.
I get a totally different rush from casual play than I do from intimate, sexual play with a partner I am seriously involved with. As I get older, I don’t think I can just eliminate the desire to play casual BDSM games with others. It’s just the way I am wired, I love the thrill of the chase, the seduction, flirtation.
One of my best friends has been, on and off, a primary BDSM partner for me. We have never had sex and never will. Still, some of my best play experiences have been with him. I cannot see giving up that kind of relationship for good should I get involved with a man that says he must be the only one, in all forms of intimacy, flirtation, and especially domination.
The tricky part of the equation is that I have found the more vanilla partners much more understanding of this. That is — I have had a few partners that were pretty much totally vanilla, and I found my BDSM fixes elsewhere. Depending on the comfort level of the partner, it ranged from just phone and email play (pretty frustrating, but I survived) to total SM play including everything but actual intercourse or genital contact. I believe the reason is that vanilla partners who don’t have much of an interest in BDSM don’t feel they are missing anything by allowing me to play with others.
The more kink-wired partners I have had were a little less comfortable with me playing with others. I can totally understand that — if I have not played with my primary partner in awhile yet have the urge to flirt with a total stranger, they could feel justifiably neglected. However, the play with my primary partner is more intense, more demanding, and more passionate — just by the nature of our relationship and intimacy level.
For subs in relationships with dominants who have other partners, how do you deal with feelings of neglect if your primary partner is playing with other people? Do you usually get involved in some way, by watching or hearing about it later, or are you totally removed (by choice)? Which is easier?
I’m especially interested in subs that are of the non-lifestyle variety (only because those are a closer match to my own preferences) with heavy vanilla tendencies when it comes to relationships. After all, my relationships, generally, have a very vanilla feel to them, but just have a regular BDSM overtone going on. I have talked with some subs about this before, but if they are oriented toward the 24/7 lifestyle, often the mindset is simply, “Whatever makes my Mistress happy.” — which is fine, but I don’t know that I would enjoy a longterm relationship with a man who puts his own desires and needs, so completely below mine. That sort of compromise wouldn’t work for me personally.
COPYRIGHT 1996 Akasha@Akashaweb.com All Rights Reserved
