I am speculating now, but I think submissive men are still, for the most part, sensation-oriented, and the femdom of their dreams, or in their fantasies, is more sensation-driven as well. That is, domination is a series of acts and reactions mostly based on physical, sensual, sexual, erotic things. She does it because it turns her on (the act); he endures it because it turns him on (either the act, or her enjoyment of it, or a combination of both).
When I ask submissive men what they think their best qualities are as subs, the answers I get are usually pretty consistent:
“I am devoted”
“I just want to please”
“I can take a lot of pain”
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with these things. However, when I think about my ideal submissive and what his qualities are, none of these things rank very high in the list.
In reality, these are all pretty basic things – except for the pain one, part of the core ideas for submissives is about pleasing other people before pleasing oneself. I challenge you to find me many slaves that don’t at least claim to have these basic qualities.
But what I really want to know is – what exceptional qualities do you possess as a submissive? That is, what qualities do you possess that would make a female dominant go “WOW” after she finishes with you, and make women line up to dominate you.
Answers often deal with sexual prowess or stamina. “I am very good with my tongue,” “I can maintain an erection for a long time.”
Still, this is not the right direction. For the male submissive fantasy, the ideal femdom demands these kinds of things as his capabilities. He has this vision that a woman demands the following things from him: 1. To endure pain, suffering, bondage, and humiliation to turn her on and 2. To get off on his plight and 4. To demand lots and lots and lots of touching, body worship, sex, and tongue tricks.
Step out of your fantasy for just a minute, now.
Mind you, there is nothing wrong with any of these things. They are all, in fact, very enticing things. And I certainly do not deny that I get off on seeing a man suffer for me. But his capability as a submissive directly relates to just how much I get off. And just how much I get off directly relates to whether or not I want to dominate him again.
So what is the ideal trait femdoms are looking for? At least, femdoms that think like me? No, it isn’t devotion, loyalty, eagerness to please or endurance for pain.
It is, quite simply, the ability to understand me, and an intuitiveness about what makes me tick.
**
I am speculating now, but I think submissive men are still, for the most part, sensation-oriented, and the femdom of their dreams, or in their fantasies, is more sensation-driven as well. That is, domination is a series of acts and reactions mostly based on physical, sensual, sexual, erotic things. She does it because it turns her on (the act); he endures it because it turns him on (either the act, or her enjoyment of it, or a combination of both).
I challenge that natural femdoms (that is, we do it from a drive inside, not just to please someone else or for money) derive their satisfaction and urges from someplace a little more emotional, psychological, and a little less physical.
That is not to say that the physical isn’t hot – I am not saying that at all. I think it might sort of be like sexual intercourse and the way men and women, typically, view it. That is, for men, it’s often more physical and about sensations; for women, it often is more about the combination of EMOTIONS that tie into the physical. And the more the emotions jive with the physical pleasure, the more explosive it is.
When I think about how dominance makes me feel, and I share experiences with my femdom friends, we tend to come back again and again to emotional states, the feelings inside. When we talk about “It made me feel…” we are talking about emotions.
Our submissive partners, on the other hand, are talking about, quite often, the physical sensations associated with the act.
What does all of this mean?
It means that a submissive must think beyond the purely physical in order to truly please his dominant partner by making her feel what she wants to feel. And this goes far beyond just sensations – I am talking about what goes on in her mind.
**
In talking to dominant women, I find that we are more often drawn to the romantic aspects of suffering and pain (and that he will endure it for us), and less about just the infliction of that act. (Keep in mind, I am talking about women who are self-proclaimed to be into dominance and submission, not straight sadists who admit openly they enjoy the act of inflicting pain).
Now, if you take that into consideration, and your dominant partner is physically hurting you, what is your role, your true role, if you want to please her?
In the femdom literature I read (written by men), or the movies I see, or in the professional dominatrix sessions I have witnessed, the male submissive thanks the woman over and over again, or he may talk about how worthless he is and how he deserves it, or he may just do nothing but wail in pain.
I believe that male fantasy has perpetuated the image that the woman inflicting this pain is a cruel-hearted bitch, and the male submissive is playing into that role by responding in tune with that.
In reality, what is your dominant partner really feeling when she is doing this? And how can you play into her fantasy, not just yours?
In images of femdom literature that I feel have appealed more to women (or things I have written that received tremendous positive feedback from women) tend to play off of the emotional connection, the endurance, and the adoration for the dominant even through fear. We femdoms LIKE fear. We like it a lot. We also like to connect emotionally to the man we are torturing.
Nine times out of ten, I would guess, a more emotionally-wired femdom will get much more out of a beating scenario when her partner does not thank her or tell her how much he deserves it.
But when he does something like look her in the eyes and just connect with her. Or tell her he is in pain, but wants to endure it for her. Or admits his fear, and asks her if she enjoys his fear. If he appeals to her emotions, and not just responds in the typically predictable male-sub-way.
**
The bottom line is this – the femdom of your dreams and the femdom of reality probably get different things out of domination. And in order for you to engage her, you have to figure out just what it is she gets out of it. If it is a more emotional, psychological thing for her, you have the added challenge of finding out how to generate those emotions in her.
The problem with this comes from when the fantasy of the submissive conflicts directly with the fantasy of the dominant. It is not as simple as someone is a ‘beater’ and someone is a “beatee” (unless we are talking about 100% sadists). If it is the man’s fantasy to be beaten by a cruel, ruthless latex-clad domina and it is the woman’s fantasy to have a loving, brave submissive endure her wrath with fear and devotion, the two might not connect when he is howling, “Oh Mistress! Beat me more! I am such a worthless slave!” Additionally, it might not work if she is cooing at him, stroking his hair, and telling him how pretty he is when he is wishing she’d just haul off and slap him then make him lick her boots.
In the short term, I suggest to all submissive men that when you are with a non-pro femdom you, firstly, get in tune with the fact that she might be a little less “bitch goddess” and a little more “woman” under all that.
Most importantly, you have to FIGURE that out once you get together with her. And that requires a great deal of observation, intuition and reading of people.
I have found that the most amazing partners have been those that could look at me, at my reactions, and figure out what was pushing my buttons and what was driving me to do that to them.
More often than not, these men were either totally vanilla, or very inexperienced submissives. My theory is that the longer a man has to fantasize about domination without doing it (or see pros, or read fiction, or watch movies – all which perpetuate fantasy domination, not real domination), the more likely he is to submit to the fantasy in his mind and fall into “typical sub” mode, totally boring me and not getting me what I need at all.
**
Never fear, though. In the real world, we have this thing called “compromise.”
I have learned, over years, that submissives sometimes cannot help it that they are wired that way, and as much as they want to please me, it is their fantasy to submit in their way. That’s fine.
It’s fine when he can realize, and work to make a reality for me, that I have needs, also. And my needs might not be just what he wants my needs to be (ie, a man with a strong tongue, a man with no limits, a man who is devoted). I want a man to make me feel certain things. Otherwise, I am only dominating for him, over and over and over again.
Sure, in a perfect world, I would have a submissive that only wanted to really please me, in my way. I have had that before; it is amazing and intense, and so unconditional. It spoils me.
But in reality, I am competing with whatever pre-programming he has received from his own fantasies. In reality, our dom/sub relationship becomes a series of what I do for him, what he does for me, and what we do that overlaps and we both enjoy.
If a submissive wants to truly please me, and only me and not his fantasies, he is able to totally dismiss every fantasy he has ever had about what submission is to him. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I imagine subs reading this and saying “Oh I could do that in a heartbeat for you, Akasha.” But you have to imagine a submission so FOREIGN to you that it is almost as UNLIKE submission as not submitting at all. That is, imaging giving up submission for me. Permanently.
Many cannot even do that for their wives.
Instead, take the realistic road. Understand that every woman that dominates you has her own needs, and go into it thinking you have no idea what they are, and try to find them out for yourself. Ask questions. Most of all, observe and pay attention. Be intuitive.
That is the greatest talent a submissive can have. With that, he can please any woman with his submission.
