She's demanding, she's controlling, and she's is absolutely unapologetic about it. Hot damn. With an attitude like that, you can bet she's a vixen in the sack!
My inbox is often stuffed with emails from men gleefully proclaiming that think they finally found the femdom girlfriend of their dreams out and about in the vanilla world. They hit the veritable kink jackpot. And they are writing to me to get my take on how they should bring up the kink to their assertive, demanding girlfriend who has all the right qualities.
After getting some details, there’s an all-too-common sad trend and a cautionary tale. Does this ring true for you? Maybe. See if this sounds familiar.
You managed to hook up with a woman that – if she isn’t femdom already – she’s got all the right qualities to be yielding a whip in no time. Her commanding presence and oozing self-confidence drew you in right away, and her no-nonsense approach to dating and courtship melted your vulnerable submissive heart.
But there are troubled waters ahead when you realize about three months – or, sadly, three years – that she’s not a femdom at all. She’s just a controlling bitch. A mean, inflexible, demanding bitch.
What is it about mean bitches that attract the subs like crazy? And how come these subs don’t see all the warning signs and run for the hills? Unfortunately, I think because subs have been in the indubitable Sahara desert of femdom-seeking, when they meet that cold-as-ice creature, they fall for her. And fall hard.
Victory, at last!
Here’s the thing. Sure, there are a lot of women that have characteristics that just scream “femdom.” The assertiveness, the confidence. Maybe she even pursued YOU. Imagine that – a sheer seductive vixen with all eyes on you, making the moves, calling the shots. If her personality is a reflection of her sensuality, heaven help you. How many nights did you wank mercilessly as you imagined what the third date is going to look like when she opens her closet and you see the array of implements and that stern stare you’ve become addicted to?
That third date closet-reveal and femdom declaration never come. In fact, over time, you realize that you’ve given up more and more autonomy (which is SO exciting!), but you’ve barely scratched the surface of kink. And she’s so commanding and confident; you are afraid to hint about it or bring it up. That would be – after all – rude. And she’s always telling you to shut up (which actually is kind of a turn-on) or ordering you around. Who has time to ask about kink?
Somehow you manage to develop feelings for this beast of a woman, partially because having a woman so intensely focused on getting you to behave just how she wants you to act is thrilling. By then, she has her claws in you. But you aren’t her submissive. Hell, you aren’t even “pussy whipped” (which can be pleasurable in the right context).
You’re merely dating a bitch. Even your friends tell you. Your family points it out.
You’ve seen this woman before. In movies and TV there is a common caricature of the controlling bitch. It is an exaggeration, but you may recognize some of the flashing red lights. In the movie “Hangover” you get a glimpse of dentist Stu’s girlfriend, a very well-put-together and sharp woman named “Melissa.” You see just how tight her grip is on him. She’s demanding, she’s controlling, and she’s is absolutely unapologetic about it. Hot damn. With an attitude like that, you can bet she’s a vixen in the sack!
Hardly. They got the character development right, that’s for sure. When Stu is justifying an affair she had, he explains, “He didn’t even cum inside her. She’s grossed out by semen.” Grossed out by semen? What does that say about their sex life? Yes, that was starting to look a little cuckold-ish, but plain infidelity isn’t a scorching hot cuckold scene. You and I both know that the semen would not have gone to waste. You can see her body language, the way she talks to him, and her response to affection.
Skip to :45 in this clip
What are the other bitch-not-femdom red flags?
Sexy-as-hell (and definite bottom) Bradley Cooper as Phil says of their relationship, “She beats him!” and Stu immediately defends her: “That was twice, and I was out of line. She’s strong-willed. And I respect that.”
Verdict: Femdom – hell no. Bitch? You better believe it. I can tell you that many submissives have ended up in their very own Melissa-relationship, still waiting for that moment when she shows her kinky side. But it never comes.
And neither does he. Because I can guarantee you the only thing going on in the bedroom is her way or the highway, and her way does not include anything out of the ordinary. It might not even include semen. He may get thrown a bone and have some chastity going on – because she will never have sex with him – but there’s definitely no chastity device (“eww, weird”) and no power dynamic. Zilch.
And what her controlling personality enables her to do is to shut down his shit so fast, he can’t even get a word out about his fantasy. Any little hint or suggestion is met with disdain and disgust. Because even if she did find it kind of interesting, she’d never let it be his idea, lest she feel like she was coerced. It’s not even an option. Ever.
So what does a femdom look like in the vanilla world (if you aren’t looking at kinky socials, for example)? Here’s the rub: She looks like any other woman out there. Hell, she may even come across as a bit shy. I have met and caroused with many kinky women, and none of them were ‘bitches’ in their social life. Ever. Because a femdom isn’t necessarily a control-freak.
What qualities do femdoms – or women open to femdom – possess?
There’s no cookie-cutter answer, but I can tell you what traits I see again and again and in myself. She’s playful. She’s mischievous. She’s assertive (but diplomatic), she’s confident (but not arrogant). She’s comfortable in her own skin. Often femdoms are over-achievers in their careers. So many kinky women I know are CEOs or successful consultants. Not because they are bitchy and demanding, but because they know how to motivate people and they are insatiably ambitious.
Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I think many femdoms are hungry. Hungry for more experiences, for more challenges, for interactions that are satisfying. They aren’t settling. They get bored unless they are learning and growing. Femdoms are not bitchy. They are living life and always looking to explore.
If you’ve been patiently waiting for your bitchy girlfriend to finally unleash her inner-femdom, I have some bad news for you. She’s not interested, and she’s going to shut that shit down. Time to move on.
Up next: Your girlfriend isn’t a femdom. She’s just batshit crazy.
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